GLOSSARY OF MODERN ESOLANGS == 1 of 232323

ChronoMalbolge
Malbolge except it retrocausally self-alters code according to your present edits, delays the effects of edits into the future, often outputs programs before you've created them, and applies changes based on the actions you're going to take in the future. None of it is random, of course; if you try to predict what it's going to do, though, you'll have a real bad time.

Brain████
An experimental programming language (probably an offshoot of Hybr*con Corp. combat logics) based entirely around the construction of semantic killphrases. Not recommended for sapient programmers.

MonsterMash
A forbidden language that attempted to commune with the 196883-dimensional 𝕄-demon "IIIIALT" as a means of covertly leeching Its thoughts for hypercomputational logic. The first algorithm halted after 2.3 seconds. Perpetrators were quickly ripped into higher-dimensional spacetime, fingers descended out of the Blessed Geometry into the chasses of MonsterMash R&D servers to annihilate their machinery, and the only remnants of the central development team that could be found were their unfolded irises.

Uptick
A hypothetical programming language based around the belief that it will be created in the future. By application of non-causal logic, it can be accessed by your future self, and that, by hypothetical future interactions with it, entire programs can be coded without present conditions limiting its potential code. However, AT&T has recently bought out all hypothetical future Uptick licenses, and express permission is required from present AT&T in order to gain certifiably-hypothetically future access.

Contraclockwise
An anti-chronal language that erases all of its code across the totality of history once any one program (independent of the machine used) is executed. Files cannot run.

The Corpse of Alan Turing
The corpse of Alan Mathison Turing as repurposed into a machine assembler language. Currently the majority of corporate datacenters run on the operating system extracted from Alan Turing's spine (owing to its ability to handle processes unbounded from physical and metaphysical rules such as the speed of light and the desire for life), and any necessary edits for the addition of improved machine code can be accomplished by jamming the spine deeper into the frontal lobe, a process which drags all attached organs further into the body and restricts its axes of thought into only commercially-viable flows. Any threat of bodily rupture can be subverted by definining its corpse as a thought experiment rather than a physical structure.

Noobolge
Malbolge variant that does not have a semiotically or mentally communicable language; it can only be constructed via thoughtforms (installed through memetics such as this text). Thinking about it prevents it from compiling.